*stab self*

So apparently I just can't handle a relationship under any venue. For the first time since highschool I'm with someone who I'm not trying to get rid of after a couple months, but instead of being pleased I'm constantly nitpicking. Go me. -_-

In other news, Grad school is going according to schedule. I procrastinated on my end-of-term papers until about the last 3-4 days, and still managed to slough through them somehow. My powers of bullshitting are begining to impress even me. Next thing I know it'll be time for my thesis paper, and I'll have two weeks to get it done. >_>

I really hate California, though. With the very core of my being. I hate the blonds, and I hate the middle-aged affluent people, and I hate the mexicans (especially the kids that scream all day long at the apartment complex where I live), and I hate the black guys that hit on me at the bus station just because I have light skin and hair. I actually dyed my hair black recently just to alleviate the problem. So far it's been working.

I feel kinda bad to pick on people based on their race... but stereotypes are there for a reason. And it's not like I'm saying that one race is better than another. Really, they all suck donkey nuts, just for different reasons. White people suck because they're so anal when it comes to money, and they think that the world in general (and retail workers in specific) owes them something. "Are you SURE this book costs $15? Are you sure it's not really free?" I hate Mexicans because they're noisy and poor (like me). Every morning I wake up to the sound of "Buy? Tamales?" shouted at the top of some guy's lungs in a sing-song tone. If there was really a sound to the idea of chewing gravel, that would be it. And then there's the couple upstairs that's younger than me, but have two young kids that like to, apparently, play the game called 'elephants and other noisy animals' at any hour between 6am and 9pm. And then there's black people. I don't have a whole lot to complain about there, except for the guys that hit on me. Yes, my skin is white. Yes, my hair (in its natural color) is blondish. That doesn't make me attractive, and that CERTAINLY doesn't make me worthy of such compliments as "Your skin is so exotic!" and, "You're so pretty, you should be riding in a limo instead of walking.". -_-

And then there's the fact that I hate the whole culture of stardom and Hollywood, and that the weather makes me want to crawl into a hole and never, ever poke my head above the surface again. Admittedly, it rains here in LA more than it did in San Diego... But that's like saying that it's more sunny in Portland than it is in Seattle. I'm still not sure if I'm getting sweaty because it's too fucking hot outside, or because I'm out of shape. Either way, I don't like it down here.

And yet here I am. For grad school, and for a boy that I don't even see more than once a week or so. Life is grand.

At least I don't bite my fingernails...

So I'm finally getting back into school again. It's only taken me 1 1/2 bloody years. >_< It's going to take some adjusting, getting used to classes again. Especially since graduate courses =/= undergraduate courses. I might actually have to work this time around... perish the thought.

Seriously though, I've decided that the world is a terrifying and scary place, and that I don't like it. I was so comfortable with the small college town I used to live in, that the rest of the world just seems way to big. I don't have a base of operations anymore, and that makes me a bit of a nervous wreck, I'm sad to say. But, as always, I'll live. I'll just smoke much more than I should in the meantime.

Ugh.

For some reason, I've been in quite a slump the last week or so. Most of it probably stemming from my stomach flu/strepp throat/ear infection/more stomach flu that I've had recently. Usually I'm an optimistic person, but now I can't shake the feeling that there's way too much for me to do, and that I'm going to fail. So many little things... like actually doing my taxes this year... and all the side issues to moving out of my apartment... rescheduling my GRE (and paying more money *cry*)... And the even smaller, more common things, like making myself go to work this morning. Have I mentioned that I hate working? I've had a week off, thanks to sickness, but it's kind of hard to enjoy time off from work if you spend all your time laying in bed, alternating between sweating and freezing, and jumping up to run to the bathroom to empty out all the things that already aren't in your stomach. On the bright side, I'm starting to be able to eat again. I was getting skinny enough that I was scaring myself, and that's hard for a girl to do. And I'm sure things will work out, and that I'll get everything done, right now I just don't see how.

Of Mice and Men

So yesterday after a horrible day at work, I limped my way home, and decided to check my mail. Inside was a long awaited letter from the Jet Program. This was the letter that would tell me if I got accepted or not. I sat down on a windowsill to steady myself as I pulled it open, and this is what I read:

"This year the Japanese Embassies and Consulates-General in the participating countries recieved thousands of applicants. Hence, competition was extremely rigorous. Consequently, it is with deep regret that I inform you that we were unable to offer you a position on the Program."

You would think I'd be disappointed, but I'm not. In fact, I've never been so pleased over a rejection. I've spent the last month or so fretting over if it was really what I wanted to do, and now that the decision has been taken out of my hands, there is a huge sense of relief. And it's time for other plans.

I'm going to be moving in the next few months. I think I'm finally going to leave Walla Walla behind me. Which also means severing the last connections I have with my college life. I'm going to miss it. I'm also going to miss some people... I've made some very close friends in my time here, and I'll be sad to leave them... But I can't cling to them and to this life forever, so I'm moving towards building another life that I hope I'll like just as much. And I plan to keep this one for a very, very, very long time.

Plans

So here's an interesting fact, I'm currently living on about half of what is projected as the poverty line for the state of Washington. ^_^v Also, my job is getting easier as I figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. I'm only getting about 20 hours a week, hence the low income. If I can avoid it, though, I'd rather not work more. Though really I probably should try.

I've been approved to have an interview with the JET program that I applied for. I'm not yet accepted, but it's a clear possibility, which is awesome. I'm a bit of a Japan-o-phile, so living there for a year will be all sorts of fun and informative. It will also greatly up my chances of getting into graduate school. :P Speaking of graduate school, there's nothing like working as a waitress to spur me on to further my education. I'd rather stab chopsticks through both my eyes than do this for the next few years.

In other news, I'm discovering first-hand just how fun long-distance dating is. It makes me want to rip my hair out and make other very unwise decisions. Like moving. As frusterating as it can be, though, I'm fond enough of him to do everything in my power to make it work regardless. And really, given my previous relationship history this is probably rather good for me.

So this is fun.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.


"It's a simple question, man!" - Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett.

Amusingly enough the question in question is what size of shoes are worn by the person being spoken to. I love Discworld books.

Employment

So I got a job. I'm now experiencing waitressing. My feet hurt. *whimpers* On the other hand, the restaurant is small, and I only have to serve them drinks and soup and stuff. Course, that means I often work by myself, which means that I do absolutely everything that the cooks don't do. Meh, anyways, tips are nice. I don't get that many compared to what I would working other places, but I've never had tips at all, so I'm happy. Also, unless I'm really, really worn out, I actually enjoy working here. Getting there is sometimes another story, but once I'm at work, there's lots to do, and the people are usually nice. Except for this one girl yesterday... I overheard her as I was cleaning another table... "Mommy, don't give that lady a tip, she's really slow." I'll show you slow, little wench. I don't think I'd ever before been tempted to spit in someone's drink. The urge passed, however, and I just spent the next half an hour thinking of nasty things I could say to her. And then what was left of my better judgement reared its unwelcome head and reminded me that my adversary was all of 8 years old. I proceeded to feel a little silly.

Unemployment

I really don't know what I'm going to do. The last several jobs I've applied for have all turned me down, and it won't be long before I'm at the end of my rope. It's not like I'll be out on the street or anything, but I need to be able to make it on my own, and I'm having trouble with that right now. Part of it is laziness, and the other part is that I'm scared of looking for a job. But I'll have to do something soon, I'm just not at all looking forward to it. I wish so much that I was back in school. >_<