Procrastinatia

stab self

2007-06-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

So apparently I just can't handle a relationship under any venue. For the first time since highschool I'm with someone who I'm not trying to get rid of after a couple months, but instead of being pleased I'm constantly nitpicking. Go me. -_-

In other news, Grad school is going according to schedule. I procrastinated on my end-of-term papers until about the last 3-4 days, and still managed to slough through them somehow. My powers of bullshitting are begining to impress even me. Next thing I know it'll be time for my thesis paper, and I'll have two weeks to get it done. >_>

I really hate California, though. With the very core of my being. I hate the blonds, and I hate the middle-aged affluent people, and I hate the mexicans (especially the kids that scream all day long at the apartment complex where I live), and I hate the black guys that hit on me at the bus station just because I have light skin and hair. I actually dyed my hair black recently just to alleviate the problem. So far it's been working.

I feel kinda bad to pick on people based on their race... but stereotypes are there for a reason. And it's not like I'm saying that one race is better than another. Really, they all suck donkey nuts, just for different reasons. White people suck because they're so anal when it comes to money, and they think that the world in general (and retail workers in specific) owes them something. "Are you SURE this book costs $15? Are you sure it's not really free?" I hate Mexicans because they're noisy and poor (like me). Every morning I wake up to the sound of "Buy? Tamales?" shouted at the top of some guy's lungs in a sing-song tone. If there was really a sound to the idea of chewing gravel, that would be it. And then there's the couple upstairs that's younger than me, but have two young kids that like to, apparently, play the game called 'elephants and other noisy animals' at any hour between 6am and 9pm. And then there's black people. I don't have a whole lot to complain about there, except for the guys that hit on me. Yes, my skin is white. Yes, my hair (in its natural color) is blondish. That doesn't make me attractive, and that CERTAINLY doesn't make me worthy of such compliments as "Your skin is so exotic!" and, "You're so pretty, you should be riding in a limo instead of walking.". -_-

And then there's the fact that I hate the whole culture of stardom and Hollywood, and that the weather makes me want to crawl into a hole and never, ever poke my head above the surface again. Admittedly, it rains here in LA more than it did in San Diego... But that's like saying that it's more sunny in Portland than it is in Seattle. I'm still not sure if I'm getting sweaty because it's too fucking hot outside, or because I'm out of shape. Either way, I don't like it down here.

And yet here I am. For grad school, and for a boy that I don't even see more than once a week or so. Life is grand.

At least I don't bite my fingernails...

2007-01-23T11:22:00.000-08:00

So I'm finally getting back into school again. It's only taken me 1 1/2 bloody years. >_< It's going to take some adjusting, getting used to classes again. Especially since graduate courses =/= undergraduate courses. I might actually have to work this time around... perish the thought.

Seriously though, I've decided that the world is a terrifying and scary place, and that I don't like it. I was so comfortable with the small college town I used to live in, that the rest of the world just seems way to big. I don't have a base of operations anymore, and that makes me a bit of a nervous wreck, I'm sad to say. But, as always, I'll live. I'll just smoke much more than I should in the meantime.

Ugh.

2006-04-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've been in quite a slump the last week or so. Most of it probably stemming from my stomach flu/strepp throat/ear infection/more stomach flu that I've had recently. Usually I'm an optimistic person, but now I can't shake the feeling that there's way too much for me to do, and that I'm going to fail. So many little things... like actually doing my taxes this year... and all the side issues to moving out of my apartment... rescheduling my GRE (and paying more money *cry*)... And the even smaller, more common things, like making myself go to work this morning. Have I mentioned that I hate working? I've had a week off, thanks to sickness, but it's kind of hard to enjoy time off from work if you spend all your time laying in bed, alternating between sweating and freezing, and jumping up to run to the bathroom to empty out all the things that already aren't in your stomach. On the bright side, I'm starting to be able to eat again. I was getting skinny enough that I was scaring myself, and that's hard for a girl to do. And I'm sure things will work out, and that I'll get everything done, right now I just don't see how.

Of Mice and Men

2006-03-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

So yesterday after a horrible day at work, I limped my way home, and decided to check my mail. Inside was a long awaited letter from the Jet Program. This was the letter that would tell me if I got accepted or not. I sat down on a windowsill to steady myself as I pulled it open, and this is what I read:

"This year the Japanese Embassies and Consulates-General in the participating countries recieved thousands of applicants. Hence, competition was extremely rigorous. Consequently, it is with deep regret that I inform you that we were unable to offer you a position on the Program."

You would think I'd be disappointed, but I'm not. In fact, I've never been so pleased over a rejection. I've spent the last month or so fretting over if it was really what I wanted to do, and now that the decision has been taken out of my hands, there is a huge sense of relief. And it's time for other plans.

I'm going to be moving in the next few months. I think I'm finally going to leave Walla Walla behind me. Which also means severing the last connections I have with my college life. I'm going to miss it. I'm also going to miss some people... I've made some very close friends in my time here, and I'll be sad to leave them... But I can't cling to them and to this life forever, so I'm moving towards building another life that I hope I'll like just as much. And I plan to keep this one for a very, very, very long time.

Plans

2006-02-08T17:54:00.000-08:00

So here's an interesting fact, I'm currently living on about half of what is projected as the poverty line for the state of Washington. ^_^v Also, my job is getting easier as I figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. I'm only getting about 20 hours a week, hence the low income. If I can avoid it, though, I'd rather not work more. Though really I probably should try.

I've been approved to have an interview with the JET program that I applied for. I'm not yet accepted, but it's a clear possibility, which is awesome. I'm a bit of a Japan-o-phile, so living there for a year will be all sorts of fun and informative. It will also greatly up my chances of getting into graduate school. :P Speaking of graduate school, there's nothing like working as a waitress to spur me on to further my education. I'd rather stab chopsticks through both my eyes than do this for the next few years.

In other news, I'm discovering first-hand just how fun long-distance dating is. It makes me want to rip my hair out and make other very unwise decisions. Like moving. As frusterating as it can be, though, I'm fond enough of him to do everything in my power to make it work regardless. And really, given my previous relationship history this is probably rather good for me.

So this is fun.

2006-01-23T16:57:00.000-08:00

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.

"It's a simple question, man!" - Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett.

Amusingly enough the question in question is what size of shoes are worn by the person being spoken to. I love Discworld books.

Employment

2006-01-23T16:44:00.000-08:00

So I got a job. I'm now experiencing waitressing. My feet hurt. *whimpers* On the other hand, the restaurant is small, and I only have to serve them drinks and soup and stuff. Course, that means I often work by myself, which means that I do absolutely everything that the cooks don't do. Meh, anyways, tips are nice. I don't get that many compared to what I would working other places, but I've never had tips at all, so I'm happy. Also, unless I'm really, really worn out, I actually enjoy working here. Getting there is sometimes another story, but once I'm at work, there's lots to do, and the people are usually nice. Except for this one girl yesterday... I overheard her as I was cleaning another table... "Mommy, don't give that lady a tip, she's really slow." I'll show you slow, little wench. I don't think I'd ever before been tempted to spit in someone's drink. The urge passed, however, and I just spent the next half an hour thinking of nasty things I could say to her. And then what was left of my better judgement reared its unwelcome head and reminded me that my adversary was all of 8 years old. I proceeded to feel a little silly.

Unemployment

2006-01-06T21:00:00.000-08:00

I really don't know what I'm going to do. The last several jobs I've applied for have all turned me down, and it won't be long before I'm at the end of my rope. It's not like I'll be out on the street or anything, but I need to be able to make it on my own, and I'm having trouble with that right now. Part of it is laziness, and the other part is that I'm scared of looking for a job. But I'll have to do something soon, I'm just not at all looking forward to it. I wish so much that I was back in school. >_<

Mixed

2005-12-19T00:07:00.000-08:00

I'm back home now, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because it's nice to be home after traveling, and because my parents are boring, but bad because I had to leave my second self behind.

Right now I have two strong emotions fighting for attention... pure joy that I met him and depression because he isn't here.

Infatuation strikes again. But nothing would please me more than for this relationship to last past infatuation.

^_^

2005-11-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

And that's all I have to say about it.

The Stars of Ifrit

2005-11-13T05:29:00.000-08:00

Recently, thanks to my roommate and her new fiance, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of love; what it is, how you acquire it, and such questions. I came up with the following:

Stage 1 - Attraction
Something or other makes you notice another person, something about the way they look, or how they talk, or the things they say, or even just hormones. You look a second or third time, and think "I'd like to meet that person." Or, if you're rather more bold than me, you go and meet them. This stage usually continues for awhile, though the getting to know them stage. You go out of your way to be able to spend time around them, you find interest in every single thing they say, and so on. This will continue until a confession, either one-sided or mutual. If the confession is one-sided, you'll probably avoid them out of embarrasment, and look for someone else... but if the confession is mutual, you progress to stage two:

Stage 2 - Giddiness/Infatuation
This is where most relationships start. You've just found out that the person you like has feelings for you too. Suddenly, you're 'in love' and it's spring, and every steriotypical thing you can think of that relates to the idea of being in love. You spend all or most of your time with this person, and the time you don't spend with them, you usually spend talking about them, which makes you generally horrible company for everyone else. In a way, it's one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. You feel more alive than you thought was possible, you feel complete, you feel like you could face anything in the world, if this person was beside you. You also gloss over, or don't even see, the person's downfalls and shortcomings. You're a complete idiot. You throw caution and common sense to the wind, and follow your heart, which just happens to be under the influence of a mind affecting drug. Many people get engaged. Of course, I am exaggerating a little bit, not everyone looses their head completely, but judgement is always impaired. Unlike what some story-tellers and poets would have you believe, this heightened state of emotion can't (and shouldn't) last forever. One day, you'll finally wake up, and one of two things will happen... either you realize that all those things you'd been ignoring are actually driving you up the wall with irritation, and that you can't wait to be rid of this person (and usually find a way to be rid of them), or you're able to move on to stage three:

Stage 3 - Love
Here is the stuff that's real, that lasts. At some point in your relationship, you're going to realize that your partner is an irritating sonofabitch. And if, at this point, your relationship isn't built on anything more than infatuation, then it will crumble. This is where I've always failed or fallen short. I've never really made past stage two. I'm not actually sure what other things it has to be built on, but I'm trying desperately to find out. But that aside. this stage, true love, is what the legends are made off. Everyone has their own way of describing this emotion, and even the emotion itself seems to vary from person to person, so all I can present here is my own idea of what love is. When you love someone, you would do anything for them... which unfortunately means picking up the dirty dishes they left in the living room more often than risking your life for them. You want to spend lots of quality time with them... and in a great display of practical thinking decide that being in the same room while doing different things counts as quality time. You could never imagine fighting or quarelling with the person you love... except for that spirited debate that pops up every week or so about who's job it is to clean the bathroom (and that time they really pissed you off by looking at you wrong). The way I see it, love is the truest and closest friendship you can have. It doesn't require romance or passion (though I'm sure those would be fun to throw in occasionally), just mutual trust, respect, and fondness. And a lot of time. You can't form a friendship this deep overnight, it can take years. Long enough, at least, that every movement and facial expression of theirs is second nature to you, and you don't have to ask if they've had a hard day. Of course, you do ask anyway, to give them the opportunity to vent about it. That's love.

I don't really like the idea that it may take years to actually love a person, but I've found that mistaking infatuation for love is something I like even less. So this time I'll watch where I'm going carefully, because love is worth being patient for.

As for my roommate and her fiance... I think they're just infatuated with each other. >_<

Fall

2005-11-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year. The sky is grey, and the trees are brilliant shades of red, green, and yellow. Today I walked down a street with straight rows of Maple trees in the height of their color, and it felt like I was walking into a painting. It was the most beautiful contrast with the dark sky that I could ever hope for. I was very happy to be alive today.

Shifty Eyes

2005-10-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

So he's finally gone, and I'm a little poorer, and hopefully a little wiser, than I was before. Though my temporary lapses in sanity seem to be getting, if not worse, then more serious. Though, I'm still not convinced that it might not have worked out with someone other than him. *shrugs* Point being, I've learned a new genre of the male gender to avoid... younger, and unemployed (yes, I know that's one of the obvious ones... >_> I learn slow, okay?). Altogether it was helpful, though. Seeing the things in him that I didn't want helped to clarify what I do want in a significant other. Also, next time I live with someone, I want my own bloody room.

Relationships, or mockeries thereof, aside... I'm still unemployed. The longer I wait, the more scared I am of trying to find a job. I need to get my ass in gear. The last two months weren't good for my savings. It will work out alright though. If times get bad enough, I can reapply at the place I quit earlier this summer. I think they'd rehire me, they need workers badly enough. But that's if I get desperate.

One of my friends just got back from a trip she took to Arkansas... and got engaged to someone she met online. I can't say I don't have my misgivings... not necessarily because of how they met, but because the guy is a bit of a patriachial, pompous ass. He talks like he can control what she does now, and it pisses me off royally. I think my friend will be able to handle him, and they might work out beautifully in the end, but I swear to every female goddess worshiped by mankind, if he ever abuses her I will take it on myself to immasculate him. ^_^

Holes

2005-10-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

So, everyone digs themselves into holes occasionally, but mine are phenominal. Simply phenominal. Three-quarters of the people I know in the world still think I'm engaged, and if that weren't a big enough hole... I dug myself another one. I'm not sure if this one is worse or not, but I haven't been able to extridite myself yet. *sigh* You'd think I'd learn to avoid getting myself into scrapes after all this time.

School has started for most of my friends now. I'm really missing it... I really like being in school. That and since I quit the tech job I'm unemployed again. I'm not in trouble yet... but loans are looming until I can get them deferred. At least the cost of living is pretty low where I am now.

Oh yes, and I went and watched the movie Serenity. It was a very beautiful and wonderful thing. Seriously, it kept all the character and humor of the series, added to the story, and brought a little bit of resolution to the story without being too complete. I loved it. Even if I was cuddled up in my theater seat hiding from the scaries and crying at the sad parts.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate working?

2005-08-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I do. Lots. I recently started training for a tech support job. The job itself probably won't be too bad, but so far the training sucks. We sit for eight hours learning about stuff, and by the end of the day I've taken away about thirty minutes of useful information. And I can't do anything to distract myself during the pointless parts. I'm not supposed to browse, use paint, or interact with the people around me. I've already been written up for disturbing the class. >_>

In other news... oh wait, there is no other news. This bloody job takes up all of my time. >_< That's why I hate working. And just to think... I'll have to work for the rest of my life after I leave graduate school. It makes me want to cry... I just hope I like being an English Professor a little bit better than a tech support agent. Otherwise I may have to start seriously considering either suicide or a life of crime and debauchery. Hmmm.... I wonder what jail is like...

Single again

2005-08-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

I wish things had turned out differently. For awhile I thought I'd found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But in the end I guess we just look at life too differently. I mean, it's good that we weren't the same, but there comes a point when you just simply can't understand where the other person is coming from. And then what do you do? We agreed that breaking up was the best thing, so why do I feel so bad? I guess it just means that I failed again. As cliche'd as this may sound, I hope we can be good friends like we were before. Or even better friends. Cause otherwise I just won't know what to do.

Jonny Depp and the Chocolate Factory

2005-07-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed the movie. I mean, I enjoy watching Jonny Depp in movies anyways, but this one was very fun. Is there anything the man can't do? ^_^ One of my friends that watched the movie with me pointed out afterwards that many of his mannerisms seemed to be mimicing Michael Jackson's. In any case, loads of fun. All in all, I've rather fallen for Depp, in that movie actor sort of way. There's something intensely appealing about him, at least in roles he chooses to play, and the elements he brings to them. Take Pirates of the Carribean for example. Orlando Bloom is cute, but I don't think he can act. He does alright, but he doesn't bring anything to a role... William in Pirates was just Legolas with a girl thrown into the mix. And the girl did well, but there wasn't anything there to grab you. Depp, on the other hand, made the movie. Anyways, enough ranting about very sexy movie actors.... mmmmm.... *cough*

Final Fantasy has continued to absorb my life. Which is good, cause I need something too... I haven't found a job yet, and if I didn't have the game to occupy my time, and have some semblance of human interaction, I would have gone stark raving mad by now. I'm still starting to sink a little bit. Life looks rather grim when you aren't sure if your plans for the future will work out.

Speaking of plans that don't work out... My father has completely failed to do what he promised. Again. This time I almost hoped... but no. See, I'm a poor college student (well, just graduated), who is very limited on money, especially until I get a job. Buying myself a car is one of those things that isn't going to happen, though having a car would be infinately useful, including but not limited to useful in helping me find a job. Anyways, my grandparents recently gave my parents a vehicle, so they promised me that they would give me their old one, after fixing the alternator. That was four bloody months ago. Now, four months later, they apparently bought me a newish car with money they don't have, and then found out that insurance would be really high on it... and the old car is still missing an alternator. They're 'working' on it. Which means, for all intents and purposes, I will never get any car from them, and I'll have to fall back on my own resources again. As usual. Really though, I shouldn't be surprised. Similar things have happened throughout my life. I just wish that my father would stop promising things that he can't come through on. I want to believe him, because promises are a big deal, but I know I can't. And then recently he want me to postpone my graduation... from college... and take another year randomly, with money that he thought he'd have, but I'm sure he never will. GAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Okay, I'm done. Sorry. It just gets a bit frustrating sometimes.

Final Fantasy

2005-06-18T03:29:00.000-07:00

I started playing Final Fantasy XI recently, and it's quickly managed to completely absorb my life. Good thing school is out. ^_^ But yeah, it's really fun. I'm a fan of all the FF series to begin with, but with this one, I can meet people at the same time. And some of these people are really cool. Yeah...

Anyways, stressful stuff. This monday I move out of my current residence and into a new apartment by myself. I'll also need to find a job. Fast. For the first time I'll be completely on my own and independant. Before I was always living on school property, so I was 'taken care of' a bit. In any case, it's a big switch. I'm glad I decided not to move to Portland, though. At least here I still have friends in the immediate area. Even with FFXI, I'd still eventually go mad. I can't live without people.

Mmmmm. People.

Onigiri

2005-05-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

Every person has something wonderful in them, and unique. One person may have the best sense of humor, while another will have a calm maturity that makes being around them a joy. Some people have looks, some people have personalities, some people have charisma, and some have intelligence. These are all important things, and everyone has them to some extent, but each individual person has one of these (or something just as wonderful) as such a strong trait that you can't help but be drawn to them for it. It is the plum on their back, and it makes them beautiful. (It's a Fruits Basket reference, for those of you who watch anime). I do believe that it's best to pick a flavor and stick with it, at least for a long time. At the same time, though, it's not like we suddenly lose interest in all other types. There is always a small question in your mind of what that one over there would be like.

We love people for what they are, and for what they aren't. Imperfections make the person, and are just as valuable as the beautiful parts. Relationships, then, are not about finding the perfect person with all the right elements, but rather coming to truly and honestly care for someone, almost without a reason. We love people because we cannot do otherwise. And this, I believe, is life in a nutshell.

And Graduation Looms

2005-05-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I can handle this. I wish I was a more organized person... My classes aren't particularly hard this quarter. Or they wouldn't be if I hadn't procrastinated to the point that I have at least FIVE major papers to do in the next two weeks, as well as several tests, in addition to doing tech work for Othello. No, it isn't that much really. I'm sure everyone else in the world has more pressing deadlines and more stress, but for me, this is rather major. And of course, that's leaving out all the other little things, like making sure all school finances and housing arrangements are in order, packing up all my worldly possessions in preparation for moving away (so far I have five boxes of books, and still counting), and trying to figure out where the hell I'll be moving to. *whimper* Now if I was an organized person I would have lists of everything that needed to be done, catagorized for importance and already half done. Hah. So that isn't happening. It would make my life much less hectic, but at the same time it's these moments of abolsolute panic and extreem stress that make the rest of life seem more peaceful. I suppose in the end if I had to choose between working frantically for two weeks and slacking off for eight, or working at a calm and consistent manner all ten... I wouldn't change anything. ^_^ After all, what is youth and energy for but to be wasted, then taxed for all it's worth?

Sickness

2005-04-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

I really hate being sick. A characteristic I share with most of the world, I'm sure. Anyways, I am currently in the clutches of a fairly major sore throat and an ear infection. I am completely and utterly miserable. Add to that disappointment about not being able to go visit my significant other because I'm too sick to travel. And then, add on top of that my paranoia about... well nevermind. Some people read this that know me. But yes, sickness is gross, sickness I hate the most. Oh yes, and I've learned a life lesson. Let me share it with you; chewable vitamin C tablets do NOT help a sore throat. In reflection, I really should have known that.

grins

2005-03-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling quite sappy right now, but since I don't like sounding that way, I'll do my best not to. Let's just say that he's a very cool person. Very. And I like him a lot. Very a lot. That's still being sappy, but believe me, it's toned down. It always irritates me when people go off on their significant others, saying how wonderful and perfect they are... but I guess I can see a little bit of their point now. Perfect he isn't. But perfect doesn't exist, and our flaws make us more interesting. I like his flaws. (I haven't quite figured out what they are yet, I'm still working on that.) And so far, he seems to like mine too, which is even more surprising. (I have quite a few, and some of them are quite odd.) Anyways, the point is that I'm happy. Spring break is going well, and life is just rather enjoyable right now. It makes me want to sing cheesy musicals and such. ^_^

There's no way around it, people are cute when they sleep. I'm not sure exactly what makes that the case. Something about innocence and peacefulness, and trust. Sometimes misplaced trust... (open mouth snoring + ground cloves = much fun). When people are asleep, they're nothing but themselves. I think it's a good way to get to know someone; watch them in their sleep a little bit. And then wake them up and see if they kill you for it...

Final Exams

2005-03-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

GAAAAAHHHHHHH! *breaths* Okay, sorry about that. Now, in all honesty, my exams weren't all that bad this quarter. I had two 'quizes', two group presentations, and about three papers. They weren't even hard papers... well, two of them weren't. I dare you to write a five page paper using deconstruction theory on the play Othello. X_x Of course, next quarter that five page paper will have to be transformed into 20+ pages, but I'm doing my best to forget next quarter exists.

So, yes. The quarter is over AND I get to go visit friends during break. Could life be much better? At least, starting tomorrow. ^_^

Public Speaking

2005-03-05T15:20:00.000-08:00

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Or at least, I hate being in any way responsible for making it happen. Responsibility scares me beyond the fear of death. Unless, of course, I know that I can accomplish whatever it is I'm supposed to do, but even then... if things even start to go wrong, I become completely unnerved. I work much, much better doing things for other people, where if something goes horribly wrong, it's not entirely my fault. I like to share the blame. ^_^

True Neutral

2005-03-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

That's my alignment, apparently... It's shifted, I used be be Chaotic Neutral or Chaotic Good. I have to say, online quizes are rather entertaining. Accurate or not, they make you think a little bit about where you stand in relation to life. And then you go back and tweak your answers so you get the result you think you should have. ^_^ But I tested True Neutral twice in a row, the second time even more strongly, so I guess it must be true.

I hate living far away from people that are important to me... If only I had a car. If only cars weren't so bloody expensive to maintain. First you have to pay insurance. Now, even if you have a really good policy, that's still $60-$80 a month, which adds up fast. Then, there are the skyrocketing gas prices. I'm all for fuel economy vehicles (for several reasons), but here in America we prefer the Unnecessarily Large Suburban and the Entirely Pointless Sports Utility Vehicle. Grrr. I think somebody should donate a car to my cause. Somethink like a little Geo Metro. Those are pretty cool. (Now, you may ask what my cause is, and rightfully so! I'm collecting donations for the H.N.M. fund, targeted towards easing the financial burdens of poor college students, one student at a time.)

In other news, my roommate and several of my other friends have started taking bets on how long my current relationship will last. Their faith in me is heartwarming. Especially my roommate's. She has predicted a grand total of three weeks.

Relationship Status

2005-03-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

It still manages to shock and amaze me when I find out that someone likes me. I always have to wonder if they have their head on straight. Especially if they think I'm attractive too. But yes, I found someone that thinks so... (just for politeness sake, the rest of this will probably be boring and sappy, I'm writing it for myself, not for any random reader). I've liked this guy for awhile, off and on for about two years, really, but he had a girlfriend. I swear, I thought they'd never break up... X_x Anyways, I found out last week that he had indeed broken up with her, and that he 'might' be interested in me. So I had a few days of crush, he and a friend came up to visit, and that was that. I really want this relationship to last... I haven't yet had one that lasted longer than two months (to the day). Admittedly, I started ending them by then on purpose. But yes, so far, I want this one to last, at least for a while. This boy has quite a few of the qualities that I've found myself looking for more and more, like confidance, intelligence, and a fairly clear plan for his life. He's also more of a gaming nerd than I am, which is fun. ^_^ In fact, probably the only adult I know who played Kingdom Hearts longer and more thoroughly than I did. He isn't religious, which has become a fairly necessary thing to me recently, and has a delightful and beautiful brand of personal evil, combined with being caring at just the right times, and with just the right amount. In other words, not excessively. All in all, I'm rather pleased, and I'm looking forward to seeing what will happen with this.

So... bloody... confused...

2005-02-26T01:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I am. I don't understand people. To be more specific, it's been strongly hinted to me that a certain male of my acquaintance might have an interest in me. At least... I think it has been hinted. I can't tell. I'm so completely clueless. And, if this person is interested in me, what kind of an interest is it? Interest in a fling, interest in a relationship, I don't know how to tell. I am also interested in this person, but I don't know whether or not to make that known. If I do, will I be seen as desperate and undesireable? And there's always that fear of rejection, if I over-extend myself. Bloody hell, I which I knew what to do. Well, actually, I'm glad I don't, it's kinda nice to have this insecurity and stuff. ^_^ So I guess we'll see.

Valentine's Day

2005-02-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

I ask you, is any holiday more malicious? I mean, if you have a significant other, fine, happy, peachy. You buy each other small meaningless gifts and look at each other happily. Joy for you. And then there are those of us who are single. First, there's the people that are just a little bit short of starting a relationship... so Valentine's Day is a wonderful time of 'should I get her something? Will she be completely weirded out and never talk to me again?' And then there are the people that just got out of a relationship, where the holiday can bring up fresh and painful memories (either painful because they won't happen any more, or painful because they happened at all). And then there are those of us who have no recent relationships, and no immediate prospects. For us, it seems like the world is pointing and laughing, saying 'ooooh, look what a loser you are! You can't even find a decent relationship! You're going to die alone and unloved!' (For obvious purposes, I am exaggerating).

Is there a solution? Well, I'd like to wipe the holiday off the face of the calendar, after all, the world would be a better place without that much extra pink, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. My personal solution is to either pretend that Haloween (a much superior holiday) comes twice a year, or just dress in black and be very, very sullen. That last one is more fun than it sounds like, really. So yes, I'm glad that Valentine's day as passed, and I'm safe for another year.

Okay, to be honest, I did get chocolates, but it was for both me and my roommate as a consolation/pity gift. So now I have chocolates to eat when I'm depressed about not having a real person to give me chocolate. I don't even LIKE chocolate....

Strange Growths

2005-02-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

So, my wisdom teeth are coming in at a breathtaking (not really) rate. And I'm poor, with no dental coverage. Can you see the potential problems? Currently I have some sort of large squishy lump over one of them... and I do mean squishy. It's a little distubing, really. And it hurts, did I mention that? Not all the time, but if I close my mouth (not as often an occurance as you might think, I even drool in my sleep) then there is an unpleasant crushing sensation. And I'm sure you can imagine what the chewing process entails. Even if I chew on the other side of my mouth, I'm still closing my mouth. In a strange moment of pity, my roommate bought me anesthetic gel, which is quite fun. Yay for numbness!!! ^_^

Obsession

2005-02-05T01:53:00.000-08:00

You know, I think we all need and crave something to obsess over, or to fantasize about. For some people it is religion or politics or a significant other (or someone you wish were a significant other). What drives us to need something of this sort to 'fill' our lives with? Are we not okay with simply living? Do we have to have something to live for? I live for me. Everything I do is geared towards making me more comfortable. If I can make other people comfortable while I'm at it, then that's even better. But I still need something to fantasize about. The actual subject changes often, but there's always something. This week, the house I want to build myself someday, next week maybe it will be some attractive guy I see. I guess there isn't really anything wrong with that... just one of those oddities of life. ^_^

Matrimony

2005-01-26T22:47:00.000-08:00

So, I found out today that one of friends that was engaged until recently called it off. I'm kind of glad for him, because I think it might have been a rather unhappy marriage. Which of course leads me back to a topic that's been on my mind for awhile. Do I want to get married someday or not? There are benefits and struggles either way. With a husband (or long-term boyfriend), you have to put up with another person in your space. Living alone, you have to put up with yourself in your space, which can be just as hard. I suppose it's rather a moot point at the moment, since my chances of finding a husband any time soon are next to nil...but being female it does cross my mind occasionally. I wonder if I'm capable of living alone for the rest of my life...

Happy Times

2005-01-25T01:38:00.000-08:00

Salad Fingers. Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. MSN conversations. Friends. Food. How to be a Villian. Scarborough Fair. Lame Christmas presents. Messy Kitchen. No homework. Asian fabric. Peter Pan. Coffee. Tea. Cake. Death. Eddie Izzard. Cats. No snow. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Japan. Dice. Smash Brothers. Candles. Physical Intimacy. Adolescent style crush. These are just a few of the things that have made my week. "Make me think happy times." Sometimes life is beautiful for the most bizarre reasons.

Twitch

2005-01-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

There is a kind of twitchiness. A personal twitchiness. Where you need loud music and a gentle type of violence. Well, maybe gentle is the wrong word, more of a mild violence. It's kinda like being hyper, except it's frusterating, especially if you don't have any outlet for the extra energy. It at times like this that make my worst social blunders. My energy level is almost out of control. Bleh. I think I'll go take a walk. It's cold outside, should calm me right down. ^_^

Angst

2005-01-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in the throes of a serious bout of teenage angst. The world is an unfriendly place, everyone hates me, and nothing will ever get better. Just your average complaints. I'm alone right now, and so I'm running on a feedback loop that just amplifies the problem. I need human contact, but no one's around. This, right here, is why I don't want to live alone when I grow up. The idea scares me. And, of course, on nights like tonight I am convinced that I am doomed to live alone, and that no other course of action is open to me. Of course no man will ever love me. I am a defective human being. I am unpleasant to be with and entirely unattractive. Everyone that knows me is laughing behind my back. Do you see my problem? None of this is true (at least to my knowledge), but I still believe it enough to base my current mood on it. Damn. Well, in the immortal words of our current youth, 'this sucks.'

Life, or something like it...

2004-12-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

I'm a malfunctioning human being. I hate work, and I hate having nothing to do, and I'm too lazy to find a balance. The only thing I seem to enjoy consistantly is living with someone (currently my roommate) and having lots and lots of free time. But right now I'm lonely because she's gone home for Christmas. It's not like I'm here all my byself, I still have friends in the area, but it isn't the same. I've grown dependent on always having someone around. Almost makes me want to get married after all... :P

Ah yes, but about being home 'alone' as it were this Christmas... my parental units live in Southern California. I do not like Southern California, and I do not particularly like them. They love me and miss me and all that proper and normal parent stuff. So I concocted a cunning plan to not visit them this Christmas, while not overtly hurting their feelings by saying "I don't want to, damnit!" What was my cunning plan? It was very simple. I said I was going to Montana with a friend. Because it was cheaper. "But honey, we'll buy your plane ticket!" "Thank you, and I know you would, but you guys need that money for other things." "But we really want to see you, we miss you." "Well, you'll be coming up for my graduation, right? That's only a few months away." Anyways, I don't have to visit my parents this Christmas. *happiness* What a bastard I am. ^_^

Ribbons

2004-12-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

So I like a boy. And I don't know if I have a Milkshake in Hell chance with him. Female insecurities, blah, blah, blah. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I routinely make a complete idiot/ass of myself in his presence. Eh, life goes on.

On the other hand, I have approximately 60 'support our troops' ribbons on my fridge, in various shapes, sizes and colors. This makes me happy. It also probably makes me something of a bastard. ^_^ Just doing my part to help out in the community.

Why I don't like my family

2004-11-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

My father scares me. The following is an excerpt from an email he sent me a little before this last election, one of a very long string of emails, each one more vindictive than the last. My father listens to and believes almost everything people like Rush Limbaugh say. And then, he calls me a fringe leftist and claims to represent the better part of the American people. I have not the words.
______________________________________

At root of every valid decision must be a regard for actual facts. For example, Kerry's ranting this week about the 380 tons of "weapons" that were "looted" and got into the insurgents' hands and are being used against our troops because Bush did not secure them.

Fact 1. There were no weapons there. What was there was (at least at some time in the past) a stock of precursor material to explosive compounds--which would have to be further processed and packaged in order to be used for explosive purposes.

Fact 2. That amount of material could not have been "looted." It would have taken dozens of trucks working long hours to cart the stuff off--impossible with the roads controlled by coalition forces.

Fact 3. Whatever was there before, was gone already before the U.S. troops arrived. That was noted already during the first days of the war by an NBC reporter embedded with the U.S. troops in the campaign. The report is a matter of public record. (Latest evidence is that Russian Army troops assisted Iraqi intelligence officers in moving the material before the war started.)

Fact 4: The alleged 380 tons would account for less than 0.1% of the stockpiles of armaments already destroyed by American troops, with about the same amount remaining to be destroyed.

Kerry knew all this. He chose to lie about it in hopes of deluding ignorant and soft-minded people into voting for him. And he continues to lie about it even after the facts are becoming widely known.

The whole anti-war movement has been propelled by such lies--from Vietnam to the present. I imagine I will find similar lies throughout the articles you cite. It is a strange thing that the Michael Moore movie is being more and more accepted as "true" by many people, even though it has been shown to be a string of falsehoods and distortions from beginning to end. One example: Moore claims that Bush allowed relatives of Bin Laden's family to escape immediately after 9/11. Truth, they were all exhaustively interviewed by the FBI before they were allowed to leave, and the person who approved their departure was Richard Clark. Bush never even heard of it until it was already done. Clark told Moore that, but Moore chose to ignore the truth and proceed with the falsehood.

This is the sort of thing which brought Germany under Nazi control. It was the stock in trade of the international Communist movement, which resulted in the deaths of tens of millions of people and enslavement of many millions more. Freedom cannot survive if people can be led to accept outright lies as if they were true. The Deaniacs have effectively captured the Democrat party. Their antics get more and more strange as time goes by. The wackiest conspiracy theories wax and thrive. Tonight Alan Colmes had on his radio show a guy who with a straight face claimed that Vice-President Cheney had a leading role in the 9/11 attacks--and Colmes was taking the guy seriously. As has been said: Liberalism is a mental disease.

Halo

2004-11-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

I fail to see why the coming out of Halo II is such a good thing. First of all, it means that my tv is going to be occupied by three guys and my roommate for, oh lets say..., 20 million hours. (That was exaggeration, could you tell?) And what do people see in FPS anyways? 'Let's go around and shoot each other!' Fun. I guess this is the female in me talking. Then again... I'd probably be playing with them if I didn't suck so bad. There are only so many kills my fragile ego can take.

Animal protective services called. They're going to hold a protest outside my apartment. It offends them that I beat black kittens. After all, that's both animal abuse and racism. I have not the words. Or I wouldn't if I hadn't staged the call to weird out the people hanging out at my house. ^_^

2004-11-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

There is thick fog today. The kind of fog so thick that your line of sight ends at that house down the road. Now all the fall colors are softened: the red is now soft crimson, and the bright yellow turned to gold. It's beautiful. On the other hand, most of the green is gone now... all that's left to be seen is the fading grass and the evergreen trees.

Sometimes it's good to be alive. I'm indoors, I'm warm, the coffeemaker is starting to bubble, and I've no homework this weekend. So as I sit and sip at my coffee, and think warm fuzzy thoughts, it occurs to me that this is what winter is all about. A good book or movie, a warm blanket, and the most wonderful feeling of contentedness. At this moment, all is right with the world.

Is it better to be happy and stupid, or miserable and intelligent?

Tea for All

2004-11-11T21:04:00.000-08:00

Except for me. I am a bad person. You know how sometimes you just know, know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you have been wrong? It's not pleasant. In fact, it's downright depressing. So you'll have to forgive me for unloading here. Then again, there isn't any reason for you to read this if not inclined, so why should I apologize?

I did something very bad. But I did it almost a year ago. Why is it bothering me today? Because I confessed my wrong-doing to the person I wronged, and it brought back all the feelings of guilt. So what do I do now? Nothing, really. Wait and see if the said person forgives me, and in various ways go on with my life. Chances are, tomorrow it won't even bother me at all. I just hope that I've learned my lesson, and that it's one more mistake I will never make again.

On a much more cheerful note, my roommate is letting me share her cable internet!!! This is very happy. In fact, this is so happy that I will ignore the previous two paragraphs, and continue on in blissful high-speed-internetness.

Oh to be young and free.

2004-11-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

Oh yes... I am. Almost forgot. You know, you'd think that with all the things I could be doing with my time, I would find something a little more, well... productive? Eh, who am I kidding. I hereby dub this place for me to rant as "This Place for Me to Rant." Impressive, yes? I thought so.

So here's a thought. Is it worse to believe in something that might not be real, or to not believe in something that might be real?